I like to tell clients, "The answers to your life problems are easy." Don't believe me?
Got a gambling problem? Quit gambling.
Got a drinking problem? Quit drinking.
Got financial problems? Get a better job.
It's not the answers that are difficult; they're often intuitive. Proponents of the therapy technique Motivational Interviewing observe that most of our rational reasons for change are insufficient. Why should you quit drinking? You're going to lose your job and marriage. Seems simple enough, but what often motivates our decisions is more complex.
Commonly we feel pulled between two or more choices, termed ambivalence, and its tension keeps us stuck as if in a Chinese finger trap. We become afraid to make a move, particularly when each decision has its own set of costs and benefits. We not so secretly stand motionless hoping and waiting for a new option to appear that will resolve this tension with the accuracy of a magic wand. In therapy, I notice this desire is usually what drives ruminative problem-solving. Essentially the client is trying to think their way out of the emotional discomfort caused by the drawbacks of change. One purpose of therapy is to help people resolve this ambivalence to move forward in a valued direction. Therapists do this by helping clients to work through the decisional balance, in which the pros and cons of both changing and remaining the same are reviewed. Consider the following table:
| Staying the Same | Changing |
Costs | | |
Benefits | | |
In order for change to occur, the relative value for the benefits of staying the same must become less than the other boxes. When we question why change isn't happening, often we are focusing solely on the disadvantages of remaining in place and the advantages of changing. However, in reality, there can even be a downside or risk to changing. Focusing on merely the rational reasons to change ignores the reasons we have for remaining the same.
We continue gambling because we hope to be able to give our family a dream life.
We drink because the pain of past trauma is overwhelming.
We avoid putting ourselves out there for a better job because we don't feel confident.
Staying in place has provided us with some benefit that needs to be addressed. Although coping tools can sometimes be used as replacement behaviors, at times the purpose of therapy can simply be emotionally supporting a client while they find the courage to face the discomfort of the obstacle.
In this sense, Motivational Interviewing experts propose that a person must be ready, willing, and (ca)able to change before it will occur. If a person simply doesn't want to change because they enjoy the way they are living, then little will motivate them until they perceive a discrepancy between what they want and what they have. But even if they see a need for change, it will not occur if they don't also feel confident that they have the skills, knowledge, and/or resources to do so. Finally, like many healthy habits, we can find excuses to procrastinate doing what we need to do. Feeling ready to take the plunge or face the discomfort created by a change can be its own hurdle. For example, a spouse may want to be honest with their partner about their infidelity and know they need to out of respect, but still struggle to harness the courage to have that difficult conversation.
Although there is no easy way to enhance our readiness for change, at least not in the way we sometimes desperately dream of, there are steps we can take. You probably already have much of what you need. Here are a few ways you can build a little courage within yourself:
Focus on Small and Simple. Resist the urge to pressure yourself for any ultimate answer. When we rush ourselves to a solution, it can create sloppy results. If you need to remake some aspect of your life, break it into smaller identifiable pieces to reduce the overwhelm. Sure, it may be good to quit drinking overall, but maybe for now the focus can be just quitting on Tuesdays.
Reflecting on Strengths or Past Success. It's easy to get stuck in a negativity vortex but the reality is that we all have strengths and have had successes. It's important to take time to reflect on yours for more than just feeling good. Resist the urge to try to immediately apply these reflections to your current situation, as you may find yourself reflexively discounting any points you made. Instead, just reflect on the process you took and how it felt to access those parts of you. Consider times you have surprised yourself with courage or skill, as well as the moments you realized you may have underestimated yourself.
Reflecting on Values. One mechanism underlying depression is a failure to live by one's values. A habit of inauthenticity can eat away at our self-worth and purpose in life. For example, a person moved by social justice who finds themselves a slave to the corporate lifestyle will likely not fare well in the long term without some outlet. Reflecting on your values can help provide you guidance about a direction to take.
Radical Acceptance. Instead of avoiding the discomfort of change, confront it. Is your change likely to hurt someone's feelings? Resist the urge to manage their feelings in order to reduce your own discomfort. While you are responsible for the manner in which you make your change, presuming the change is something healthy, it is not your responsibility to manage other people's feelings or expectations. Your buddies may be disappointed that you are no longer hanging out at the bar, but it is not your job to entertain or appease them. Your spouse's feelings may be hurt by you disclosing your infidelity but trying to "make them not angry," is more likely to move you to do things that make the situation worse. Accepting your own discomfort and that of others, can help you focus more on productive action and communication.
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