"Just look on the bright side," can be some of the most condescending and unhelpful advice we hear. Certainly, well meant and not without its merits, as optimistic thinking is linked with greater happiness and life satisfaction. However, this is easier said than done for most people. If you had trauma or maybe worked in a law enforcement or military capacity, your experiences with the ugliness of the world can make pure optimism seem like naivete.
Mindset is important and is a critical component of resilience, but it is easy to get stuck in a faulty one. One of the biggest traps I see people fall into is a rigid mindset in which they hold tightly as their "truth." Imagine that guy around the office who is always angry. He stews and insists that his opinion or perception is a fact. He burns other people out by endlessly arguing for his point and resisting advice. Don't be that guy.
Decartes stated, "Cogito, ergo sum," or, "I think, therefore I am." We seem to buy too much into the premise that our thoughts make up the sum of who we are and, therefore, must be true or unchangeable. To change them means to change ourselves, or worse yet, if we need to change them then there is something wrong with us. Here in lies a trap that keeps us rigid. Stuck in our anger, anxiety, or depression.
Fusing with the Wall
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), the term fusion refers to this tendency of melding our reality or even who we are with our thoughts. I like to think of it as playing a first-person shooter game with an inexperienced person. They can't see anything but a blurry color and keep dying but don't know why. As their partner, it's clear- they're fumbling with the controller and are stuck running into a wall while everyone is shooting at them. They cannot respond well to what is coming at them, because their view is obscured by their self-defeating behavior. The answer? Take a step back from the wall, turn around, and get a bigger picture. They are not the wall. Their problem is not the wall. Yet, that is what they're facing and viewing as their reality. Stop running into the wall.
An alternative way to view our thoughts is as a social media feed. The system chooses what pops up based on its algorithm, but we decide how long to view a video, whether we buy into it, and when we set the device down altogether. Some of the videos are helpful and inspiring, others are full of hype and misinformation, some make us laugh, and others are just weird, leaving us unsure why we even went there. So instead of our thoughts being measures of who we are, their worth is determined by what meaning we give them and how much time we attend to them. This act of taking a step back and depersonalizing our thoughts is the first step in getting more flexible.
Take a Step Back (and Maybe Even a Couple More)
In ACT, psychological flexibility is poised as the pinnacle of mental health, as it helps us be more adaptive to the struggles life throws at us. It can be understood as being aware of our thoughts and feelings with a non-judgmental and accepting attitude, but letting our goals and values drive our responses to them. The practice of mindfulness is a core skill for getting unstuck from the rabbit hole of our thoughts. Mindfulness helps us to stay aware of our thoughts and feelings as they arise, as well as how they are affecting our responses. The act of being mindful involves the intentional observation of one's internal and external experiences. Though often initially practiced in calm, meditative environments, mindfulness is not intended to be merely scheduled relaxation time. Quite the contrary, it is in our most chaotic and emotional times that we need to utilize mindfulness the most.
Consider again the example of mindless scrolling on social media feeds. Mindfulness is that point when we realize that we have been scrolling for 45 minutes rather than getting work done. It's the realization that we're avoiding the work because we find it stressful and that scrolling is feeding our urge to distract and detach. And, finally, it's the breath we take and compassion we show ourselves as we set...the...phone...down. Setting a regular practice of mindfulness even for a few minutes a day can build the skill of shifting our mind away from rigid content.
Getting Flexy
Bend over, reach for your toes, and feel the stretch. Done? Okay, you're ready for the splits! Sorry to break it to you but this takes time and practice. You can scroll through that feed for hacks, but you're bound to find a lot of them are fake news. There are many ways to get flexible, but practice and exploration are key. Here are a couple of options to get you started.
Two sides of a coin. Rigidity often thrives on all-or-nothing thinking, but life more often is made of shades of grey. Actually, that's a limited metaphor because life is made up of a spectrum of colors. Often when we are rigidly angry, we focus on the negative aspects of an issue, failing to see its highlights. This is especially the case when it comes to judgments about others. We complain, "Tom is so disorganized. He can never get his work done." Seeing Tom as one-sided helps us to demonize his behavior. Yet, his disorganization may stem from the same place that allows Tom to be creative, flexible, or driven. Viewing people from a more balanced perspective can help us to harness compassion that cools the flames of anger. Similarly, what if we viewed that lost promotion we are resentful over as the opportunity to practice accepting defeat with grace? Or if we reframed that interaction with the neighborhood jerk as a chance to learn how to communicate with difficult people? When we purposely move toward considering alternative explanations, meanings, or characterizations of people and events, we practice flexibility. In doing so, we open doors to building a more resilient mindset.
Move toward Productivity. Would you rather be right or be happy? Chances are if you have been upset for a while, you have developed your reasons with the biting closing arguments of a high-stakes trial lawyer. But does going to trial on this issue help you feel any better? Sometimes redirecting yourself to what is productive will provide more relief. One strategy is to switch to phrasing your ideas in a format of "even if X, I'd rather Y." For example, "Even if I'm right, sitting here stewing over that conversation with my boss doesn't change anything. I'd rather be enjoying dinner with my family." Then continue to make choices each moment that promotes the goal of enjoying dinner with the family. Ask them about their day, pick a favorite meal, add some music for ambiance, or whatever suits your fancy. It is important to focus on actionable steps rather than wishes or behaviors controlled by others. Consider another example, "Yeah, I feel like a loser since my wife left, but calling myself one is just making me feel worse. I can't control her actions (e.g., make her come back), but I can choose to prioritize my self-care." Here, it's not about trying to convince yourself that you're not a loser (we can always address that another day). Instead, we redirect to healthy practices that help us keep moving toward the goal of feeling better about ourselves. So, if you can't convince yourself of the alternative explanation ("I'm not a loser), get out of the power struggle with that thought and sidestep to a more actionable desire.
Move between Modes. People are typically surprised to learn just how much mental activities, particularly those involving self-discipline and regulation, use up energy. When we are dwelling on a problem, it sucks our energy and we often self-medicate by binging on devices. Well, that's just another mental activity! One way to give ourselves a break is to switch to a different activity mode. Getting physically active and mentally present can do wonders for recharging us. No need to run a marathon. Even small activities like doing the laundry and picking up the house for 15 minutes, can provide small relief. Similarly, switching to small social activities, such as a brief phone call or playing a game with the kids can help you access social rewards. The key is to focus on small activities that help you stay present in the moment rather than allowing yourself to mentally or verbally ruminate.
Make Room & Breathe. So often when clients dwell on an issue, I find that they are trying to problem-solve their way out of an emotion. We focus so hard on figuring out how to fix our discomfort that we end up amplifying it. Expansion is a concept from ACT, which asks us to redirect our attention to the uncomfortable emotion itself as well as our bodies. While breathing deeply and slowly, one attempts to envision a space within us that can allow the uncomfortable feeling to exist. With each breath, we might envision this space expanding or us exercising compassion for it. An alternative option can be to envision the emotion as a child version of yourself that sits with you.
We can often experience more compassion and patience for this version of ourselves. Just sitting and calmly breathing in their presence sometimes gives them the time and space they need to process the emotion through. I recommend giving yourself 10 to 15 minutes to do this and watching for what feels like a natural break or release of the emotion before redirecting yourself to a new activity.
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